Sorry that I’ve been away from writing and blogging for the past month or so. I was finishing up my M.A. research project. I am happy to share with you that I have finished my degree and applied for graduation. I will probably not attend the ceremony. I will just get the degree mailed to me. Due to the fact that I will probably try and get my research project published in the near future, I can’t tell you much about it. The project still needs work and revision/re-framing of ideas. It will require time because I am taking some time off from writing. I’m also working again so I don’t have as much time devoted to writing.
Anyways, I had a really weird dream last night and decided that I would share it with you all. It might be a bit hard for me to explain it because I have a very visual memory. There are many characters in the dream that I know or used to know in real life—and it certainly is not surprising that all of them happen to be women. Only one of them was a man who I barely interacted with in the dream. Although I am not sure if these characters matters, I will be using their first names. I mention this now because the characters in most of our dreams are usually not the same person in real life, they all represent something or someone else via latent meaning.
As I pointed out in some of my popular posts on psychoanalysis (found here and here), the conscious subject is always divided and “split”. Consciousness that is recognized through symbolic language conceals unconscious desires (there is always something missing and repressed in language; in what is spoken and written). Something similar happens in dreams. When we dream, we are dreaming through the language of the Other (super-ego). This means that the dreams we have is a representation of our unconscious desires where everything is a symbolic representation of something missing or repressed.
By the way, I would be happy to have anyone who is into psychoanalysis / psychotherapists to analyze me. So feel free to email me if you have anything you want to say or question. I will provide a brief analysis of the dream at the end.
The dream took place through several locations which transformed over time. It happened this morning between 7:10 to 8:10am. I knew because I woke up briefly and checked the time before I fell asleep again.
It began with me walking up the central stair case in my junior high school which had three set of stairs (central, and two side stairs from both ends of the school). As I was walking up to the very top floor, a girl named Cassandra was walking behind me and kept chanting my name, but I ignored her (“Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!”). Once I got up to the top floor I turned and walked to my right and went towards my locker which was located near my old grade 9 homeroom. Based on the position, the locker that I opened wasn’t mine (I think), but maybe I am wrong because I don’t remember exactly where my locker was back in the days. But I assumed that what was in the locker was mine.
Then I started packing up my stuff into a slim messenger bag and only taking useful things out of the locker which had really weird items in it like my admission photography portfolio from my undergraduate years (I studied photography where it requires a competitive portfolio for admission). I took things from the top part of the locker, and also took things from the bottom of the locker. The photography portfolio was located at the bottom of the locker underneath a pile of junk that I happen to dig up. The portfolio was presented as a stack of 4×6 pictures. The first photo on the top was revealed to me and it was a cliche portrait of a friend of mine named Louise—someone who I actually took photographs of back in the days (she lives in Toronto now, but I still talk to her every once awhile). I also packed up a bunch of other items and documents from the locker that I can’t remember (maybe some of them were already in my bag).
During this time, I asked the girl next to me, Christine, for the time and date, she laughed at me and told me the day and year. She found it ridiculous that I couldn’t remember. This was when I realized that I was from the future who was preparing to leave the school via packing up my old belongings from the locker. Then as the locker empties out and everyone left and went to class, a Chinese / Vietnamese teacher walked by and told me to pack up my stuff at another time because I am late for class (I think she was a teacher from high school, not junior high). She gave me a lecture about it as I continued to stuff things from my locker into my messenger bag into various compartments. But since I realized that I was from the future, I told her to “fuck off” and let me finish. She got mad and walked away to the washroom that was down the hallway. Then I suddenly heard a really loud car behind me and drifted down one of the side stairs (not sure who was driving). As I finished packing up the stuff in my locker, I turned my head and saw the teacher who started walking back from a distance with another male teacher. I don’t know who the male teacher was, but they appeared to be talking about me because the male teacher was looking at me with a side glance as he walked past.
So I got up and started walking down the hallway, my dream transitioned into my local university (where I just did my M.A. degree). I ended up at this popular intersection of the university where different hallways led to different buildings on campus. I decided to walk down this one hallway to visit another girl named Tina, who was someone that I knew in junior high, but no longer talk to; she always flirted with me back in the days.
As I walked towards this hallway, the scene transformed as I went inside this weird biology building to look for her. I recall that I had dreamed about this building before. I cannot remember what this building looks like from the outside. All I know was that this part of the dream always involved me walking up a set of stairs or elevator to the second floor. Only that this time around, I went to visit Tina. When I arrived, the entire class was standing there at a long table as if they were hosting some science fair with a bunch of presentation boards and things glued to them. Behind the long table was a graduation ceremony that was taking place. I couldn’t see the front stage but I saw the back of all the students who were wearing graduation gowns and hats.
In order to get to Tina, I had to make a weird detour around the ceremony to get to the other side of the room. I walked up to Tina. But once I got up to her, it wasn’t actually Tina, but another girl named Kristin who I know in real life that works at Starbucks. She was wearing a bright orange windbreaker jacket. I gave her a casual friendly hug and said “I just want you to know that I love you” and secretively whispered to her, “I am telling you this because I am the Bobby from the future”. She did a very classic and innocent / weird giggle that she does in real life and didn’t believe me. I walked away and exit the building. The scene transformed into me walking out of a double door. As I walked out the door, I hoped Kristin will realize that I was not kidding that I was from the future once she talks to the “other” (past) Bobby who exists from this time. But it was also during this short moment where I realized that I was dreaming and decided that I should try and control it, but failed to.
I ended up back at the intersection of hallways at the university and started walking down another hallway that leads to a big cafeteria. In real life, this hallway has this ramp and it is a usually very high traffic area. In my dream, the hallway was also quite busy, except that the place was modified with three small set of stairs near the end of it. As I approached it, I decided to leap over all of them without walking down the stairs. When I landed on my feet, I realized that my socks were coming off and was under my foot sole / ankle area. This was when I realized that I wasn’t wearing any shoes. As I exit the hallway, I contemplated why I wasn’t wearing shoes this entire time and I woke up.
Due to time constraints, I wish to quickly make a brief analysis of this dream. One of the things that I noticed was the way which this locker from junior high functioned as my mind and reservoir of memories. It is a “locker” which suggests that everything in it was at first, “locked up” and kept safe from everyone, including myself. The act of searching through this locker suggest that I was attempting to identify with certain things and items in the locker (i.e. my mind). The fact that I cannot remember or recognize some of the other items that I put in my bag suggests that there are things that I took from the locker that are repressed and cannot consciously recall right now. It is like Jacques Lacan’s psychoanalytic interpretation of Edgar Allen Poe’s short story “Purloined Letter” and the ways the characters fails to identify the purloined letter as they searched for it in the room. The idea that I recognize myself from the future who is situated in the past, extracting and searching X memories/items from the locker suggests that there may had been memories and other things that I wish to take with me that are repressed and cannot identify with as I took them and categorized them in my messenger bag. This is emphasized in the next phase of the dream.
The scene where I arrive at the university and the intersection of different hallways suggests how I have the agency to choose (at least it felt that way). Yet, I somehow, in an arbitrary way, decided to visit this girl named Tina who transforms into Kristin. I don’t think the subjects had anything to do with what is actually happening here once I relate it back to the locker scene where I happen to be searching for something that had been lost (the lost object). As mentioned, the weird biology building that I dreamed about had also appeared in my other dreams. The dream always began with me walking up the stairs or taking the elevator. Only that this time, I was actively searching for Tina in the building.
What I wish to draw our attention to is the act of “searching” in the building versus the search that I made in the locker. Could the biology building that I visited function in a similar way to the locker from junior high? Only this time, the form changes from a locker into a building; the latter where I attempt to search for a person who’s identity transforms? Why is it a biology building and not chemistry or some other building? One possible explanation is that biology had been a subject that I was pretty decent at in high school. I also had many memories of my biology classes with a few of my friends.
I think something I had unconsciously extracted from the locker is found in the biology building. Yet, it is concealed in my search in this building via Tina / Kristin. My search for Tina in the building appears to be a more detailed search when compared to the locker scene. Why is it that I search for Tina only to find that I am speaking to Kristin? After all, they are both real people. Why did I secretly emphasize to her that I am from the future? Perhaps I regret not confessing my love to someone from the past which is symbolically concealed by Tina and Kristin (I am thinking about transference; i.e. I am transferring past repressed feelings I had for someone onto Tina / Kristin in the dream). I believe that Tina and Kristin are not the person of who I am actually confessing my love to. This is emphasized by their symbolic metamorphosis. I am actually confessing to someone who is concealed behind them. Could it be my mother? Sister? Or someone from the past? Someone who I had regret not confessing to or cannot confess to?
There were fragments in the dreams that I could identify with as I relate to things that regularly happen during the day. For example, near the end of the dream where I realized that I wasn’t wearing shoes reminds me of when I work, I need to take my shoes off to go up stairs and walk on carpet. But every time I take my shoes off, my socks always come off half way. The leap over stair case reminds me of a bike video that I watched a few weeks ago where the rider jumped over a set of stair cases. I used to mountain bike a lot. Moreover, the locations of the dreams are both schools where I am actively searching for things. It reminds me of my search for knowledge and truth via my academic endeavor. It also reminds me of the years I spent auditing interesting courses at school (I wrote about this in my last post here). Could my active search for truth and knowledge in my university endeavor represent my unconscious desire for the search of a mysterious or repressed figure? The act of packing my stuff and leaving the school also sort of represents my departure from academia as well. The fact that I find my photography portfolio in my locker is like how I discovered the influence of my past photography background in philosophy from the future (again, I pointed this out in my last post).
Finally, certain parts of this dream also reminds me of some other dreams that I had, such as when the Chinese / Vietnamese teacher yelled at me and went to the washroom, I think I had dreams about such washroom before. Only that whenever I dream about such washroom, it happens to be nightmarish where the mirrors freaked me out and wakes me up. Coming to think about it, my memory of such washroom dream is quite vague.
Anyways, maybe I will revisit some of the contents of this dream in future dreams and provide further analysis.