What up. Life is alright.
Goodbye!

* * *

A Moment of Silence

My grandmother passed away on July 15, 2024 in Hong Kong. She died peacefully and comfortably where her heart slowed to a stop. I just wanted to give the world’s most beautiful woman a shout out.

Love you grandma.
Rest in peace.💖🙏

* * *

Meanwhile…

I went with my dad to the emergency where he got diagnosed with heart failure after 34958739875 blood tests and ultra sounds.🥹 He got admitted into cardiology and is doing a lot better now. As of this moment (Aug 4th), we are waiting for his echocardiogram before he can get discharged from the hospital. 🙏

My dad’s family has a history of heart problems. My grandfather died from a heart attack at work in his early 50s (though he wasn’t eating very healthy by today’s standards). My grandmother who recently passed away also had heart failure and got a pacemaker when she was 70. She lived till nearly 93.

With this said, I should really watch my diet because heart failure is super scary. The cardiologists even asked my dad for consent in case of emergency where they have to do CPR and other life assist measures if his heart suddenly stops—like shoving tubes into his lungs. 😰🥹

I’ve been so exhausted and stressed out lately; running around with not enough sleep.

* * *

My most popular random thought posts

They are usually only popular when I publish them and remain on the home page. I always try to mix a combination of philosophy, psychoanalysis, and a little bit of me in these posts. But the ones that seem to get revisited most based on my inaccurate stats are:

#1: No idea why. Go figure.
#6: Likely because it has a lot of philosophy and psychoanalysis. I also talk about Derrida’s passage on promise.
#10: This post talks about Marx and Debord. Some of the things I wrote in this one were also timeless for obvious reasons. 🥹
#14: Not many people visits this one, but I think it was one of my best random thought posts where some could’ve been part of my bigger writings, though it’s a bit long. I remember it was really popular when I first published it. I think it was because of the last section where I talk about soul love.

* * *

What made Karl Marx a genius?

I usually keep my projects under wraps unless you ask me in person. I remember I once said that my next post won’t be on psychoanalysis or deconstruction. In my last post, I said I will talk more about Marx in the future. You now have sufficient information to know who my next big post will be about. 😏

I’m pretty excited about it. I think it’s an essential piece of writing that many people should at least know a little about—even if they don’t like him. It may also allow me to move possible future projects forward. A good chunk of it were abandoned writings from 7-8 years ago. After revisiting some of it at an older age, I feel like I made a lot of these writings better. I’d like to think so anyway! It’s “almost” done, I just don’t have much time due to life obligations. So it is taking much longer than usual. I’m also lazy on my days off and always end up getting distracted from people talking to me during my reading/writing sessions; or me distracting myself. 🤡

From personal experience of sitting and auditing lectures at the university, Karl Marx is rarely studied in depth except for in sociology and a few other humanities departments. It’s not surprising since he is one of the founders of sociology. Whether you like him or not, Marx had immense influence in world history and academia. In fact, he is likely one of the most influential figures in modern intellectual history.

My engagements with Marxism had always gone through Frankfurt School or psychoanalysis, and rarely seen through sociological contexts or strict Marxist positions. I’ve read some classic sociologists like Max Weber and Georg Simmel something like 10 years ago Lol. I know they were both influential in the foundations of the Frankfurt School which produced a lot of eclectic ideas. Frankfurt school was interdisciplinary especially with people like Theodor Adorno and Herbert Marcuse (I spoke about these guys before). I used to be really into sociology when I was in undergraduate studies. But I eventually moved into philosophy because I was into the ways the human mind works on a metaphysical level; something that eventually circled back to how these ideas influence societies.

It’s funny how I just saw a post by Pierre Poilievre on Instagram (leader of conservative party in Canada) share a misleading take on Marx—with 20k+ likes too! 😂😂 It’s embarrassing to see how intellectually illiterate he is; or maybe it’s the social media Marx expert who posts on his account. One of the things about Marxism and contemporary politics is that there are quite a few Marxist intellectuals who doesn’t vote liberal or conservative because they see them as the same thing. Some don’t vote at all.

* * *

School Reputation

I remember when I asked my future supervisor for advice on my application, he looked at my resume and he was like, “When I saw your resume, I got the sense that you were a super star in school”. I laughed and I was like “Uhhhh, yeah kind of”…and maybe for all the wrong reasons.😂 But I was also a decorated student. I always had a reputation in school. Even in grad school, I was aware of professors who already knew who I was before I met them. I always found it amusing. But I prefer staying under the radar these days.

I still remember I had a low key clash with one of my professors in my graduate seminar. I nearly flunked the final research paper due to bad course requirements. I would’ve showed more respect if I didn’t feel like I was being occasionally stepped on in that class. So I kinda wrote a troll paper just because I can. That paper would’ve been really good if I didn’t have to follow its dumb requirements. I ain’t taking shit from anyone. But at the end, everything was dealt with in peace which was good. No hard feelings.

* * *

My friend came back from Japan…

He told me he bought me a dildo to shove up my ass. But when I saw him, he actually got me a Pokemon sticker. Should I shove it up my butt? 🥺 JK don’t answer that question LOL.

It was his 7th time going to Japan. He told me he is upset that he has come back to look at white girls instead of Japanese girls LOL. Some people have a crazy obsession with Japan. I think it’s interesting. I remember reading somewhere that part of it is because deep down, some people feels like they are misfits in their own country/culture and seems to be much more accepted in Japan where being weird is seen as normal. 🤔

* * *

The Unconscious Subject

Aside from Freudian slips, at what point does the unconscious subject surface through our conscious words? There was one point where Lacan discovers that the unconscious mind does not appear anywhere in our words other than through Freudian slips and what is often referred as a “shifter” within the grammar of the speaking subject.

I won’t go into details today because it requires linguistic knowledge from Roman Jakobson, but this can be found in simple words like “But” (“Ne” in French) that Lacan spoke about. At times, such word provides ambiguous statements that makes the subject seem like they are agreeing and denying their thoughts at the same time. One of the most popular examples analysts use is when people say, “I can’t help ‘but’ think that…”, which implies how the subject seems to be saying “yes” and “no” at the same time. This is to say that the conscious subject is thinking about something, “but” they cannot stop thinking of something else. Here, it appears like there is someone else (the unconscious) that is speaking and thinking through their words without them fully appearing within the chain signification of the conscious speaker. There appears to be someone who is causing the split subject to produce a thought which denies the Other’s discourse, their self perceived identity and conscious speech patterns.

In other words, there is a negation, ambiguity, or contradiction within the split subject’s spoken thoughts that the speaker is unaware of, where they might be unconsciously trying to deny or disagree with the thing that they are consciously agreeing to, desiring for what causes them pain, or wishing for things that they are afraid of, etc. Hence as mentioned in Part I, who we think we are is not who we really are. Our identity is an ideal image, a reflection of our ego (“I”) that is situated within the Other’s language and desires—a misrecognition. And it is through these gaps between our words which reveals the possibility of a subject (their unconscious thoughts and desires). The Other (language) is a tyrannical being who usurps the subject.

This is why one of the defining symptoms of neurosis is about having beef with the Other’s law and language, as the subject is not the master of their own house. In other words, the subject has beef with their conscious thoughts and desires because they are actually “beingless” within the Other’s discourse (language)—even if one consciously thinks to themselves, “This is who I am!”, “I am X or Y!”, or simply, “I exist!”. The subject is never really there within conscious language due to being forced into the Other’s discourse. This is what Lacanian analysts refers as “no subject” which implies how the subject does not appear through our spoken words (FYI, nosubject.com is an encyclopedia for Lacanian psychoanalysis).

I hope this shows you what is meant by “split subjectivity” where there is another person (unconscious) who is hidden behind the ego of the speaking subject that has been inscribed within the Other’s discourse. To be sure, this subject only reveals themselves under specific circumstances or through certain patterns of speech, where they interrupt our everyday life and disrupt our false senses of identity (i.e. “This is who I am!”). An event, in some sense, that is waiting to be realized, just like love and truth.

It’s kind of spooky the more you think about it. But it is through these contradictions within the speaking subject that the analyst will try to identify during analysis so to bring forth the unconscious mind.

* * *

Cars and Friends

I met a lot of new people and made a few acquaintances since getting my 8R. I start to see the big VW Golf cult like following that people talk about Lol. It’s definitely the V Dub club.

I met a guy at the detailing store parking lot who asked why I chose the 8R and I was like “Because it’s fun, quick, and practical” which sums it up for most hot hatch enjoyers. I think hatchbacks look better than sedans. They also have SUV practicality but with better handling. Then he suggested me to stage 1 tune it which I’ve been thinking about, but I don’t want to mess with my power train warranty yet. Maybe in a few years. A Unitronic Stage 1 with 93 octane map will take my car to 446 hp and 410 lb of torque. 😮

The other day, I treated my friend with lunch. It was his first time in my car where I told him how many compliments I’ve been getting. Then when I parked and we got out. Some guy randomly comes up to me and asks “Is this the Mark 8 Golf R? Which year is it?” and I was like “Yes, it is 2024” and he was like “It’s really nice!” and awkwardly walks away. My friend giggled and said, “Now I see what you mean by getting a lot of compliments” Lol. Later, I told him how I am going through my insurance’s app that tracks my driving behaviour for six months to get a discount (I turn off tracking when I’m not driving). I showed him how flawed the app is where it only flags you as speeding if you go over 125km/h. But if you drive 100 in a 60 zone, it won’t count as speeding. He was surprised. Then I was like, “Yeah, don’t ask me how I know”.😂 (I was testing launch control in the back roads at night)

After we had lunch where I drove him back to his car that was parked at another place. Some guy in a parked BMW honked at me, got out his car and started chatting with me. We stood there for an hour in the parking lot talking about the Golf Lol. He kept on looking at my car going like “Omg it looks sooo good!”. He told me he owned 7 VW Golfs and wants to import a R32 from the UK. He even asked me to turn my car on so he can listen to the burbling exhaust. Imo, the stock exhaust is good for what it is, but it sounds like a vacuum cleaner when you do high revs in neutral with no load. It was funny listening to him go, “Oh man, it sounds so good” while I was thinking, “You on crack? It sounds like a Dyson”. 😂 But it does give a cool idling rumble when you start it up.

Speaking of revving, I followed a Lamborghini Huracan for a short stint the other day. It was really fastttt. I also asked the driver to rev his v10 at the lights Lol. I don’t think it sounded as angry as the Audi R8 that I saw some time ago. That car was screaming. I guess if you can afford these type of cars, you can afford hearing aids.🤭 This R8 guy probably annoys his neighbors with it.

Whereas me? I prefer my vacuum cleaner.🤓

* * *

Thoughts on the new Mk8.5 Golf R

I looked into the Mk8.5 before buying my current Mk8 because I was going to wait. But I don’t like the new infotainment screen. It looks like they didn’t know what to do and decides to slap an Ipad on it. The front bumper also looks too busy for me, but I can see why some people likes it. I don’t know what they were thinking with putting that square sensor in the middle of the bumper because it is one rock chip away from a $500 repair. 😹 The tail lights are meh compared to the Mk8 (the European version). I think the new front bumper makes the R look less aggressive than the Mk8. But I’m glad they kept the haptic steering wheel despite everyone complaining about it. I don’t have issues with mine so far and think it fits the overall design of the car better than physical buttons. The extra power and torque on the 8.5 is nice, but it’s not a big deal to me.

I believe the Mk8.5 will be slightly more expensive than the Mk8 which is already pretty steep for a hot hatch at 52k MSRP in Canada. And this is not including tax, freight and other mandatory fees. It costs even more if you include things most people get for new cars such as PPF (Paint Protection Film), window tint, winter tires and wheels (you can’t run steel rims for winter due to big racing brakes). After all this, you will be at 60k for sure.

And if you plan on turning it into a Stage 3, 600 hp rocket, then put another 15-20k aside.🤡 Add a few more grand for brakes, wheels, aero, and suspension upgrades. 🤡🤡 By the time you do all this, your Golf will be really fast, draw unwanted attention, and get you in trouble. 🤡🤡🤡 Financially speaking, most cars (and mods) are terrible investments because they are depreciating assets which means you will never get the money you put in it back. Though the Golf R holds value quite well due to being an enthusiast and a tuner’s car.

* * *

“The girl who randomly turned around to look at you like she saw a unicorn is probably interested in you”.

It’s possible. I mean I’m definitely like, top 5 most handsome Asian guy in Canada who is also smart, funny, doesn’t dress like a dad, a good listener, loyal, buys flowers, a gentleman, and spoils the girlfriend. 😂 So I won’t be surprised. And if she wants, I would even take her to Home Depot as first date! Lmfaoooo I’m totally joking. All of it.

I think the most probable reason was because she heard a rumor about me (though I might be wrong). I have celebrity status at that place and I’m aware some people gossip about me, so I won’t be surprised if it was the reason she looked at me that way. It was basically her way of saying, “Oh so this is who he is”. And her being nice doesn’t mean much because it’s pretty much her job. Could her gaze mean more? I’m not going to over think it Lol.

This one time, she gave me food samples when I trolled her at the til and asked her for free food LOL. Then this other time, I asked her for a coffee cake where she was like, “Wait, you want a coffee? You just got tea, I’m not judging you or anything” (she totally was LOL). I laughed and was like “I said I want a coffee cake….and I’m pretty sure you’re already judging me even if I’m not getting coffee”. She laughed and said “Oh I had coffee cake this morning, that’s really weird, I wonder what it means”. Then I said, “Okayyy, stop copying me” and shes like “No, you’re copying me because I was here first!”. 😂 She stood there, thought for a second and went, “That’s actually kind of cre….” and walked away to make my order. Then I thought to myself, “Creepy? You can say it if you want”. 😂😂

I think her general mannerisms and vibes are really cute, and also quite flirty…BTW, there is actually a famous drink in Hong Kong where it is tea mixed with coffee. 🤔

P.S. Do you know who definitely had a crush on me? The manager before she became the manager. She sent all the right signals. I’m pretty sure she knows that I know. She is definitely not crushing on me anymore. But I think she is really kind who sometimes talks to me when she cleans the tables. Though again, it’s her job to be nice to me, so I don’t think anything of it. I remember I once saw her cry and felt really bad. I also secretly call her Boss Girl.

* * *

Befriending Baristas During Writing/Reading/Chill Sess

I befriended a few baristas who works there. One of them was a dude who went to school in the same department as me. I ran into him once or twice at the university. He is a pretty cool guy. I like him and I hope he is doing well.

Another one I remember was a girl who was quite genuine and open (overshared) about herself. She talks a lot sometimes (it’s all good Lol), but she was very bold, authentic, empathetic, and upfront. I remember when I spoke to her for the first few times and eventually got her Instagram, she specifically mentioned her boyfriend on purpose. But I didn’t care because I wasn’t trying to hit on her—though she probably thought I was. I just thought she was genuine and we could be friends. 🤷‍♂️

I remember she would sometimes randomly come up to me during her breaks, grabs a chair and sits with me for a chat. I usually don’t mind it when people do this. Some thinks they are bothering me even when I’m usually getting distracted by YouTube or other dumb shit on the internet. 😂 But I taught her some psychoanalysis along the way and remembered we would sometimes analyze random strangers sitting at other tables for fun Lol. At first, I think she was a little intimidated by some of my intellectual ramblings, but she got used to it. On hindsight, I think she was really attracted to it. She probably felt stupid talking to me at times, but I never thought of her as stupid. It’s not a fair assessment.

I eventually gave her one of my books on Freud as a gift because she told me she was studying/interested in psychology. I liked her as a friend and I was just being nice, but she ended up with a really big crush on me after she broke up with her bf. 😳 I asked her to play a round of disc golf and later realized she liked me (my intentions were friendly; I invited everyone to play disc golf back then). So I had to take it back and throw some gentle hints to turn her down. A classic case of Bobby doing Bobby things LOLLL. We are still friends and she seems cool with it. That’s cool!

There were times where I tried to befriend a few other baristas who I thought were chill, but I know they were just doing their job and I respect their boundaries. So I don’t press on it. If they want to talk to me, they will. They probably aren’t allowed to give their contact info anyway. But clearly, some don’t care. 😂

* * *

“Why do I keep dating losers?”

Because in order for us to desire, we must always be with the wrong person.💀
…as ambiguous as this might sound.

* * *

The Calgary Stampede

I was just telling someone about this, but I haven’t been to the Stampede in like 10 years Lol. Food is expensive and there are way too many people. I also feel like I’m too old for it.

I’ve been on stampede grounds some years ago to do trim work for the Rotary Dream Home. They built the house at the stampede parking lot on a bunch of big wooden blocks. I remember crawling underneath the house to see how they did it for education purposes. It’s pretty cool. I’m guessing they tow the house in sections when stampede is over and set it on concrete foundation after. Imo, the house was poorly designed. It was over designed and too cramped. So I guess it’s more like a nightmare home. 😏

* * *

Work Injuries

I haven’t cut any fingers off with power tools, but I’ve shot a nail through my foot. For convenience and speed, many finishers modifies their brad nailers to eliminate the safety switch where you can pull the trigger and fire nails without pressing the gun tip against a hard surface. Well! I accidentally pulled the trigger while I was kneeling and shot a nail into my shoe LOL. I couldn’t take my shoe off because my foot was nailed to the shoe. The nail was yanked out with a pair of pliers after. It was only a flesh wound where the nail missed the bone (it went right through my foot). I limped for a day or two before walking normally again. 🤷‍♂️

* * *

What I would do if I saw her again

Nothing, because I don’t know if she wants to talk to me. I’m not a mind reader. If she says hi to me, I would talk to her. Duh. 😊 But like I said for the 50th time, it’s a really big “if”.

* * *

June 28, 2024.

I just woke up from a dream where I was just walking around crying. At first, I was talking to this guy about Renee (I secretly call her RenRen 🥺🥺). Then suddenly he spoke on the phone and just started to hate me. I started to cry because I thought everyone hates me. I cried until night time in this weird dark room with strangers sleeping on the floor where my mom came to comfort me. I went to the washroom and she told me to not take a shower and I should go to bed. Then the guy and some girl also told me the same thing and apologized. I started crying really hard again laying on the bathroom floor. I laid my head on the dude’s lap who was sitting on his knees right in front of the sink cabinet. Then I woke up with tears running out of my eyes. It’s 3 am right now as I wrote this. I just got up and went to washroom and saw that my tears were real. I even had to catch my breath from crying so much in my dream. Literally the most depressing dream I ever had. 😭

I’m too tired to do dream analysis, even if this dream has all the right ingredients for one. Last time, I was being modest when I said she would’ve came and said hi to me in the last 1-2 years if she really wanted. In reality, it’s more like 3-4 years.😭😭

Good night. 😴