I was going to publish this yesterday (March 1st), but I forgot because work suddenly got super busy. Now I am tired and stressed. : (

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“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche

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This blog

Some of my friends knows about it because it’s not really a secret. It’s just that most of them aren’t as intellectually engaged or have the same level of intellectual tenacity as me, so they aren’t active on here. Some are also not close enough for me to tell them about it. Though to be fair, I rarely advertise this site to anyone in real life. The content I write on here speaks for itself. I write with my blood and my heart, and I think people can see it. I’m also quite open about myself so others can relate.

I said this before. But when I first started this blog, I just wanted it to be me where I shared things that I learned. I’m mostly very casual on here, even in many of my bigger writings. I didn’t expect many people would read what I write. But this site has went from 83 views in the first year, to 9900 in 2023, not cumulative. Then in 2024, I was at 23,000 (that’s a big jump!). So far this year, it already looks like I am on track to hit 30,000+. It’s actually not bad for an independent blog that talks about difficult ideas and random things. Not to mention that the stat tracker is not accurate and the real numbers are likely higher.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Jacques Derrida’s Deconstruction and Architecture

Aside from academia, deconstruction was influential enough that it influenced disciplines most people thought never would such as architecture. If I remember correctly, Derrida was friends with Peter Eisenman who is renown for using deconstruction in architectural theory which eventually became a physical thing.

Now you see deconstructivism in the Walt Disney Concert Hall located in LA and the Seattle Central Library by Frank Gehry. You see it in the Lou Ruvo Brain Health Center (also by Frank Gehry?). I believe the London Aquatics Center and Heydar Aliyev Center by Zaha Hadid are also considered as deconstructive architectures.👌 I definitely want to go check them out one day. They’re like a gigantic sculpture!

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How I became fluent in philosophy and psychoanalysis

In my early 20s, I went to university/college like many typical kid out there. I wasn’t even all that smart. With the support of one of my mentors, things took a drastic change near the end of my undergraduate degree.

I think one of the biggest difference between me and many people was that after graduation, instead of spending my 20s focusing on partying, traveling, play video games, and finding ways to make more money, I spent a good chunk of it exploring my mind and improving myself intellectually. I was really engaged with the inner workings of language, meaning, love, knowledge, truth, and the world. Thinking back, these were my most productive years in terms of pure intellectualism where I pushed the limits of my mind. I was ambitious and hardworking. Throughout this journey, I also learned a lot about myself.

At the time for several years, I audited a ton of courses at my local university: everything from philosophy to biology, film studies, social science, psychology, linguistics, logic, and astrophysics. I was lurking around every corner of the humanities departments. I conquered and read some of the most difficult philosophical texts in history that most people could not imagine reading; from almost every book by Friedrich Nietzsche, chapters of Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit, all the way to Eastern philosophies like the Indian Upanishads and the Chinese Tao Te Ching (the only big philosophical school I haven’t touched was Arabic and Islamic philosophy which I’m also interested in). I learned a lot of things that people likely thinks are a waste of time because it makes no money or is not very fun. Even when they are what made me who I am today. It is what turned me from an average Joe into a really deep critical thinker. It also turned me into a leader of thoughts and ideas in many ways. And that was when I started this blog where I wanted to shared some of that knowledge with others.

By the time I turned mid to high 20s, I got pretty darn good at what I did—particularly in Derrida’s deconstruction. This was when I eventually went to grad school to get my masters degree. It took a lot of tears, failures, and resilience to get in. But once I got in, I was pretty well respected among professors, some who already knew who I was before I formally met them (maybe they were talking smack behind my back 😂). Some professors even thought I was a PhD student who was writing my dissertation Lol. But I’m happy to have met them. I was also lucky enough to manage to get a full ride. My MA was pretty much free. I had funding from my department, the government, and my supervisor’s SSHRC grant (Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada). It’s something that I am grateful for. My supervisor was also a Lacanian who was the precursor to my interests in psychoanalysis. While my time in grad school wasn’t very long, I dare to say I was probably the best at what I did. One of the very best. Though I still have many things that I need to work on.

I’m 34 years old now and I’m proud of who I have become. I’m no where as intellectually productive as I was in my 20s because I have to focus on other aspects of my life. I’m still ambitious and hardworking, but in a different way because priorities change. When people asks what my 20s was like, I just tell them I spent most of it behind books and ideas written by some of the most intelligent people on Earth. I spent my time learning and understanding experiences we go through everyday. Things that we take for granted, but that which made us human, and sometimes, all too human—as Nietzsche might say. And if you ask me, these are the most important things in life. Philosophy, meaning, art, love, truth, ideas; these are the things that we should be living for. They are priceless.

With all this said, I do want to travel the world one day. There are so many places I want to go. But I guess I’ve always already been a traveler in many ways. I’ve explored so many places that are boundless and infinite, places that are much further than anyone could physically go. For I am a traveler of the mind; of ideas, space, and time. And if you happen to stumble on this blog and read some of my writings, then you have already traveled much further than you think, with me.😊

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“You should start a car Instagram”

And take photos of my car’s $10,000 hail damage? 😂 Insurance is paying for the repairs. But I hope it gets fixed soon. I shake my head every time I see my car’s roof panel. I also need to get a new windshield.

If I turn it into the baddest Golf R in the city, then I’ll think about making a car IG. There are already so many dope Mk8 Golf builds on there with really good photography, mine won’t stand a chance. But car modding is $$$$$$ and I can’t spend money recklessly. I will mod it, but very slowly.

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Future Car Mods

I’ve been thinking of getting an aftermarket catback exhaust to get more “oomph” to my car. But they’re pretty useless until you hit stage 2 that requires a higher exhaust flow. But I also don’t want my car too loud. I would prefer them to be valved so I can make it quiet on command. I’m currently eyeing on the Invidia R400. They sound slightly louder than stock with the valves closed and noticeably louder with the valves opened (watch this Reddit video; big difference between opened and closed valves). I think part of the decision making will also depend on if I will get a high flow down pipe in the future. But that will make the car sound like it will murder you. It makes the car really loud.

I want to get the European tail lights that has the dynamic turn signals. But they are expensive. I also want a new steering wheel too. They are also really expensive.💀 Ohhh you know what else I want? Wrap the car in a new color.😎 I like the perfect peach color by Platinum Wrapping (link here). Too bad it’s limited edition. I also think it might draw too much attention, especially from cops. But it looks good.👌There is a metallic midnight blue that also looks nice.

I need to figure out how to play movies in my car’s infotainment screen so I can watch movies during my car chill sessions. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to do it while driving, but I need to watch movies dude. I got Harmon Kardon speakers in the car, what were they thinking?

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New Hoodie

I bought a limited edition hoodie from The-Lowdown collab with Hana Burton x City Circuit Tokyo Bay (link). It is exclusive merchandise from their Go-Kart and car meet that happened in January 2025 in Tokyo. I got lucky because the regular sizes sold out fast. It also arrived pretty quick from Japan. I haven’t bought new clothes in so long which made me justify the price.😒 But I need to add some spice to my wardrobe, it’s too plain. I need to spend some money on myself. I’ve always wanted a few unique custom graphic hoodies and t-shirts, but I can never find anything worthwhile.

The-Lowdown makes awesome car videos on YouTube with superb production. They just released a new video with Club de Ultrace in Poland which are known for drifting (link). The coolest car in it is definitely the Porsche RWB Kimera (from the famous Japanese modder Akira Nakai). Their previous video was also really good, showcasing the Tokyo underground car scene (link). It’s Tokyo drift in real life!

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I need to stop wearing a hat

I’m too lazy to do my hair, so everyday is hat day. It is styled as a pompadour slick back. But my hair is really stubborn. It is thick, dense, and straight. So it’s very hard to slick it back without the right product and method. But it actually doesn’t take that long because I’m used to it (10-15min). I’m just lazy and need to start putting more effort.

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“Why are there so many ways to explain that desire makes us be with the wrong person?“

Because object a can only be spoken through metonymy and metaphor via the symbolic Other (language). I am a speaking/writing to you right now with my own unconscious. Psychoanalysis privileges no language. Not even the one that it is written in! The symptom is everywhere. There is no cure to neurosis other than to exchange one symptom for a better one.

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Examples of Obsessive Neurosis and Hysteria

I might be the perfect example of obsessive neurosis LOL. But some of my friends are quite neurotic. Unlike those who freaks out, I enjoy gaslighting myself and having a good laugh about it. I think it’s hilarious. While there are exceptions, and sometimes more frequent than other situations, it can be assumed that nearly every man out there are obsessive neurotics and castrated subjects.

The basic principle is that obsessive neurotics relies on a fantasy relation with object a where they want to become the cause of their own desires; whereas a woman relies on their attempts to become object a and identify with the Other’s desire. Opposite to Freud who said that “All relationships are sexual relationships”, a man’s relationship with woman is a non-relationship. Or as Lacan’s famous words, “There is no sexual relationship” because both man and woman unconsciously operates differently. The man’s desire for woman is sustained by fantasy and object a; and not with the woman—even if they think they are having a relationship with said woman.

So what is a good example of this fantasy in real life? I’ll give you a subtle one. I once went out with a friend for lunch who told me how he “never takes interest in Other people’s perspectives and what they are thinking”, pun intended. This is a good example of his attempt to eliminate the Other’s discourse where he maintains the fantasy as a complete subject. He even tries to prevent the Other (me) from intruding his thoughts. Momentarily, instead of openly engaging with the ideas, he rejects my knowledge on psychoanalysis that I casually shared with him about, then goes on to define his own terms for “fantasy”, “desire”, and “dreams”.

Here, we can see how he tries to uphold a certain level of what he thinks “is”, or what these words mean (this is known as the “anchoring point” where meanings of words are held into specific places). That these meanings and desires are powered by the structure of fantasy where he protects himself with these meanings as a complete subject, while eliminating the Other’s knowledge (my knowledge). The idea in a clinical context, is to shake up these meanings and help him produce new ones.

But what is hysteria? The best way to answer this question is to not answer it. For it is a direct translation to answering “Who am I?”, “What is wrong with me?”, or “What do you want?”, which is the symptom of hysteria. The hysteric’s symptom is like a puzzle to be solved. But any attempts at answering said puzzle with knowledge will only explicate the symptom because the hysteric wants to master the Other’s desires. By answering the question, you enforce the symptom. So let me try to answer it with truth. Yet by speaking truth, one never answers the question of hysteria. Knowledge and truth are different things. Truth, like love, is the failure of knowledge that shakes you out of the things you think you know.

The most common example of hysteria is the woman who uses her wits and charm to unconsciously incite the man with desire, leading him towards knowledge as to what is causing his desires. But the moment his desires and knowledge are realized where he gets close to object a, she backs off, leaving the man and herself unsatisfied which turns her into the inaccessible object cause of desire (she becomes the man’s object a; i.e. as someone desirable). Her entire act of mastering the man’s desires and knowledge provokes him to acknowledge his desires for her. But she retreats at the moment she detects the man will try to advance, as she cannot condescend to become his object a, except through love (i.e. they get together). It’s like a trap the hysteric sets up for the man’s knowledge to fail, but which nevertheless sustains desire; for we want what we can never have: object a. Yet paradoxically, it is this failure of conscious knowledge which sets off the movement of love and desire.

Hysteria is important in psychoanalysis because it is what led to its invention. While it is most commonly diagnosed in women, the hysteric’s symptom revolves around every subject who speaks—just like the baby who cries and wants love from their parents, or the analysand who lays on the couch speaking. Everyone who speaks are fundamentally hysterical, including the psychoanalysts (we are talking animals; speaking is like a baby crying). When the hysteric surrenders him or herself to the Other’s desires through the symbolic and masters it by saying, “I am what you want me to be”; or “I am my girl/boyfriend’s desire”, the split subject comes into existence by being reduced to just that as they go through the symbolic filter.

The subject asks: “Who am I?”, and the Other might say: “You are my boy/girlfriend who can’t do this or that”, “you’re an idiot”, “a tool for sex”, “a psychoanalytic case”, “the cultural definition of woman/man”, etc. The moment the Other responds and the hysteric becomes the Other’s desire, she turns into another woman who is not completely herself. Yet, it is the expression of the Other’s desires which reveals her subjectivity—at once and at the same time: as the partial loss of some-Thing in her subjectivity (object a), and also the becoming of a possibly new subjectivity through the Other’s discourse; when their question of “What do you want?” gets turned around to “What do I really want?”. Such possible recognition of a new being can only happen through the experience of love which produces a shift in psychoanalytic discourse from the hysteric to the analyst.

As Lacan might put it, the Other kills (alienates) the subject. Yet, the subject still speaks through the gaps of symbolic language as the Freudian slip (there are no mistakes). Hence, it’s not simply about what the Other wants from the hysteric, but what she really desires. The hysteric can only be turned around through the analyst discourse and make them recognize their unconscious desires.

This is where we get into topics of feminism where intellectuals tries to reveal the Real of femininity in a way that was never imagined or symbolized before. As a result, over time, this made many cultural traditions and practices increasingly difficult to adopt. We can think of religions that tries to restrict and hold woman in various social positions or not let them do certain things. Or we can also think of older perceptions of women where people (Other) thinks they must rely on their relationship with a man or whoever to survive; or her role belongs in the kitchen, etc. And whether these new Otherness produces positive or negative effects in society is another topic altogether.

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My dad’s heart medication…

are insanely expensive. He is lucky that he has coverage. I went to pick up meds for him the other day and it was $75 (Canadian dollars). I asked the pharmacist how much it would cost without coverage and he was like, “Around $1500” looooooooolllllllllll.

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One post on this site I rarely reread

The one I wrote on Derrida’s The Gift of Death. I wrote that one for my dog and it breaks me every time. The most I read is the first half Lol. The last half is way too much for me.

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“What would you do if you got a date with Eashel?“

Stop giving me hope Lol. But princess Eashel would make Booby very happy if she gave him a chance.🥹 Too bad it’s never going to happen. But never say never I guess.

I am chivalrous who can be quite an elaborate planner when it comes to romantic dates. I can be very romantic. I was once told that I have a way of saying things that can be so “immaculate and well timed that it makes the person melt into a pile of goo”, as I quote my first girlfriend from high school.😂

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I saw Renee AGAIN.

I think she put on a tiny bit of weight. But it looks good on her. Still cute as usual. Her friend was also pretty cute. But why is she here again? Is she jealous of Eashel stealing the spotlight?😏 LOL jokes on you. She was probably telling her friend going like, “You see that ugly guy over there? That’s him! Yuck, right?”.😂 Jokes aside. I’m not going to talk to her unless she initiates first. It’s the fact that she can be very conflict avoidant. Not that there would be conflict if she spoke to me again unless she makes it one (I already I said I forgive her some time ago). But she never really wanted to talk to me back then, so I don’t count on her wanting to talk to me now. Though I might be wrong. So I’m not going to overthink it.🤷‍♂️

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“What is the most attractive and unattractive trait about someone?”

From a practical point of view.
Intelligence, confidence, compassion, kindness, sincerity, modesty, and emotional maturity in anyone are attractive. Someone who is good at doing something useful and/or meaningful is also very attractive. Why? Because it shows purpose, commitment, devotion, and passion. These are all great qualities to find in people. A lot of these things takes effort and time to build too. But of course, being physically attractive is a bonus—and it’s also important in it’s own ways. But it’s quite far from everything. Who doesn’t like a handsome and smart guy, or a beautiful smart woman? No one is perfect and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But my mom was definitely right that being physically attractive is useless if you are stupid.😂

The most unattractive thing about a person? Probably someone who doesn’t work on themselves in any way. Don’t be a dead beat. Work on something. Learn something. Become really good at something important to you and people will see it. If you want to be the impressive person that your crush talks about to other people, this is how you do it.

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“Holy shit I actually understood what you meant when you said ‘Eashel is the flower and the flames’. Her boyfriend has a lot to work on.”

I’m glad someone caught it Lol. Only Bobby can write something this ambiguous and romantic. I won’t reveal what it means today. But it’s easy to figure out if you read my writings on psychoanalysis and love. I literally spelt it out for you.😹 It takes a bit of homework to understand some of the things I say. Pay attention and you will notice. I remember writing a few of these to Renee back in the days. And you know what? I actually can’t make them up on the fly. They come out by chance; often when I write late at night. It definitely comes from some place real. Pun intended.😏

No comment on the boyfriend part. I think I’m in trouble if Eashel reads what I write on here. Just imagine her boyfriend reading everything that I’ve been writing LOL HAHA. With this said, there is something off about Eashel lately. I mentioned this last time. I’m not sure what it is. But it’s none of my business. Or maybe my spider sense is wrong. I just don’t want her to be upset, if she is. I want her to be happy.

She is young and is a bit inexperienced/naive on some things. But she is really sweet who still has some innocence to her. Her world views are also no where as tainted as mine LOL. It’s refreshing and it’s one reason why I enjoyed talking to her. I admit it’s kind of therapeutic because our conversations are so lighthearted, playful, enthusiastic, and not deep. It’s nice to see things differently. Learning philosophy has done some things to me.😂 And he who thinks great thoughts also makes great mistakes. She might not know, but she brought a lot of joy into my life during the times we spoke.😊 Although we don’t talk anymore, I still cherish the times when we did. Life is about the little things. And I remembered every little thing she told me. I still do. She is so gentle and beautiful.😊

I sometimes get really nervous around her. She makes my heart pump really really really fast.🥺 It’s funny because I have no problem giving a lecture/talk in front of 100 people at school, but one girl is enough to shake me up and induce me with anxiety.😂

But I don’t want to overthink it. I still sometimes casually say hi and bye to her. It’s up to her if she wants to reciprocate and say something more. But I know she is busy and probably doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s okay. I will just focus on my own things.

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Analysis and Interpretation: Human behaviours from a psychoanalytic perspective

You have to look at it with an eye of skepticism. Interpretation and analysis happens all the time in ways people don’t realize. It’s just that most people never pay attention and takes everything they experience for granted. But it’s very interesting if you look at it deeper. And I don’t mean this in a creepy way.

It’s actually never about the things people say or do. Rather, it is about learning to see the things they don’t say or do and measuring against what they say and do (lol). It is about reading the ambiguities and contradictions. Or as I said last time: to look for things that are not there. The subject can only speak and behave through the symbolic (the imposition of the Other’s desires). Yet, this symbolic is never complete or perfect. It is inconsistent, castrated, split and always embodies “mistakes” (which are not mistakes), words, meanings, emotions, and actions that points to something else. The symbolic is full of cracks and holes where the subject’s unconscious desires will occasionally surface—like how I nearly mistakenly called Eashel as Renee several times.

It’s like how Eashel who accidentally agreed to have sushi with me, even when it wasn’t an accident. It was a slip of the tongue. The Other did not know what to say or there were some internal conflicts within her at the time, so her unconscious stepped in and gave me the answer. Her desire was her boyfriend’s desire. It wasn’t her who didn’t want to give her number to me, but her boyfriend won’t like it if she did. These two instances were no coincidence because there are no mistakes. Last time, I mentioned how I want to give her space where she can make her own choices; but only if they are her choices alone, temporarily separated from the Other’s desire (her boyfriend).

Of course, if I told her right this moment, she might deny it because the Other says no! She may even make excuses or change how she behaves which are ego adjustments. And while she said no—which at the end, is all that matters—she had already unconsciously said yes long ago. She just doesn’t know it. Luckily, the letter always arrives at its destination. Yet without me who unconsciously took position as her object a, and given our current situation, she may never realize this truth (I won’t tell her because it will freak her out; she needs to recognize it in her own way). Similar to what I said in my writings on the death drive, the entire goal of psychoanalysis is to transgress the Other’s law/desires who alienates the subject, but in a healthy way (it is to produce change in a good way). Honestly, I wouldn’t of said any of this if I didn’t promise some people that I would; because it’s unnecessary. But there you have it.

Since to analyze is an attempt to see what is not there, love must always take place whenever we analyze or interpret another person, or anything in our lives for that matter. It is like the split subject who must unconsciously give what they do not have to the analyst who holds the place of such love (object a). For if one cannot see what is not consciously there, how could there be new knowledge and truth that arises from the unconscious? This is the analyst’s discourse. Love must always be exchanged with the other for the possibility of truth. It is the price one must pay in order for any forms of analysis and interpretation to occur; regardless of whether the other is a human being, an event, or a novel.

It takes love to see love.
And those who can’t give anything away, can’t feel anything either.