Happy New Year!
This post is slightly longer than usual to make up for the month of not posting anything. There are a lot of random stuff in this one; including a few “new year confessions”. They’re actually more like tragic love stories LOL. Given how busy work has been, I’m not sure how often I will post this year. But I will try my best to be consistent.

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Pokemon TCG Pocket

If you see me on my phone 24/7, it’s because I’m trying to become a Pokemon master. But I have so much Pokémon cards now because you get free packs every day and open them. I also built some cool decks and battle people!

Leave me alone, I’m only 10 years old LOL.

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Wikipedia as Source

It’s not always the most accurate in my opinion. But it offers a lot of useful information when you need to quickly learn about something or someone. Just don’t take everything people write on there as accurate. Take Alain Badiou’s Wikipedia page. At of the time I wrote this, the intro makes it seem like he rejects linguistic relativism that his colleagues took up which dominated 20th century. But here is the problem: Badiou’s colleagues were not linguistic relativists. Edit: the moment I wrote this, someone changed the introduction to Badiou’s wikipedia page.😂 It’s almost like they knew I’m about to call them out for being wrong. Though they still left some things on it that are wrong in my opinion. The passage, “Unlike his peers, Badiou believes in universalism and truth”. Many peers of Badiou believes in universalism and truth as well.🤷‍♂️

Derrida would likely reject the idea that his ideas supports relativism. His positions are much closer to something like truth pluralism which parallels some of Badiou’s positions on multiplicity of truth through the Event. Derrida supports the idea that there are more than one interpretation to any text we read that are true and absolute.

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“I am from Calgary and I wish I could afford a house”

The housing market is pretty messed up these days. Housing is too expensive. Unfortunately, I don’t think it will get cheaper despite what the politicians say (and I say this not without good reasons). It is already quite unaffordable now and will be even more so in the next 10-20 years. I’m sorry, it really sucks and there is nothing I can do about it. 😦 But I actually don’t know if I will buy one this year. But it will be soonish hopefully. There are still lots to consider.

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“Your blog is amazing!”

Someone recently told me they really like my writings on psychoanalysis. She said she likes how “light” my writings are (I think she meant the opposite of being dense). She is a teacher and lecturer from Germany (? I assume) who likes psychoanalysis but often struggles learning it. I don’t blame her because I struggle too. Psychoanalysis is hard to pick up on because you have to become a master of metaphors and fluent with the arts. Engaging with psychoanalysis has as much to do with your unconscious mind as one’s intellectual abilities to think in metaphors.

It’s definitely a controversial, complex, and niche discipline with a wide range of practical applications in sociology, economics, and literature. For example, you see Lacanianism in Frankfurt school where psychoanalysis is used in various Marxist-sociological lenses. You also see it being used in colonial studies, sociolinguistics, and many others.

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“Why is Badiou against dating apps?“

It’s not just Badiou. People like Zizek also don’t like it because it abolishes chance and risk; conditions which are believed to be fundamental to love and truth. Zizek often compares dating apps to arranged marriage which does have a lot of semblance. Not to mention that these apps also cultivates a form of narcissism. Dating apps are kind of like YouTube, Instagram, or TikTok. It feeds you things that it thinks you will like based on the information the algorithm knows about you. In turn, it becomes a gigantic echo chamber that fixes people into the idea of sameness and safety. It cultivates sameness by reinforcing the imaginary Ego via the app that tries to identify with your ego through showing content it thinks you like.

This might be part of the reason why quite a number of people on these dating apps ends up trying to find that “perfect” man or woman (the One 💀). In the past, I sometimes compare dating apps to people going shopping where they try to find someone who best fits their desires. There are of course, always exceptions where you meet genuine people online. But I think dating apps are mostly full of thirsty dudes trying to get laid and women trying to get validation. But you kind of see that everywhere, these apps just amplifies it.

Personal opinion? The internet and technology ruined dating and what love really is. I think it gave people the tool to abuse it and show the world who they are. I also think technology can sometimes give people an easy route to escape from their problems in relationships after the initial “rush” dies down. In psychoanalysis, this initial feeling is actually produced by our egos identifying (relating) with the other person’s ego (like looking at a mirror: “this person is like me!”). Just like the dating apps or social media trying to identify with your ego by showing you content it thinks you like. This might be why it is so addicting.

One thing we should know is that technology and morality really comes hand in hand. And when technology allows humans to use it to reach a certain speed that exceeds our moral limits, you might start seeing negative effects on people.

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I saw Renee

She came in to get coffee with her friends. I admit it felt kind of awkward and I got a bit anxious not knowing what she would do. The things that went on between us back then had always been much more complicated than I’d like. It was also going no where and I knew I had to put an end to it.

Frankly, there are lots of things I don’t say on here. Things like how she chose someone else over me back then and did some things (like randomly giving me the middle finger) which made me delete all the writings about her on here. I think I wrote about this in #10. I admit even for some time after what I said in #10, I still didn’t give up on her and deep down, I wished I could see her again. But as time passed by, I knew it was never going to happen. And even if it did, I realized some of the things that happened cannot be undone.

Let me be honest with you and to myself, I was not a fan of being her second choice. No one with dignity and self respect would. While we’re at it. Let me be even more honest. I was a bit shocked when I found out who this guy was. I remember I thought to myself, “Really? You chose this guy?”. No offense, but he didn’t strike me as boyfriend material; more like playboy material. It took me 2 minutes to see it from scrolling through his social media account. But I respected her choice regardless. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe she saw something in him that I couldn’t. Or maybe that was what she wanted. But it’s none of my business. And just to be sure, I’m not speaking out of spite. I’m not even mad. I’m not sad. I’m just being honest. None of this matters anymore.

At the time, I remember I messaged her saying that it’s okay she chose someone else over me because I want her to be happy; even when a part of me died that day. I lied to her because I didn’t want her to feel bad for me. But I was totally not okay. I remember there was one point where I broke down and cried where I told myself that I never want to love anyone again for the rest of my life because it hurts too much. I even tried to hide my despair from everyone and pretended that everything was okay, even when my whole world fell apart. Coming to think about it, I was pretty broken back then. And do you know what’s worse? I told nobody about this until now (on this site). But let there be no fret. Bobby is fine now! 🤭

I’m well aware that her name sits at the top of my psychoanalytic post on love. It was inscribed there after all this had happened. Currently, I have no plans on removing it unless my future girlfriend gets jealous or something LOL. It’s true that a good chunk of that post was inspired by my love for her—a love that I have put behind me for quite some time now. That is all there is to it. But despite everything that happened, I am very proud of the love that I had for her. And I hope I still have the strength to give this same type of love and devotion to someone else one day.😊

Either way, she seemed happy when I saw her.
And I am happy that she is happy. 🙂

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New wheels for my MK8 Golf R

I bought a set of Fifteen52 Sector RSR in asphalt black as my spring/summer set up. It is flow formed at 19×8.5 with an ET42 offset. They are half inch wider than my current stock VW Estoril wheels, yet weighs the same (Sectors weigh 0.2 lb lighter). They are also a perfect fit that does not require hub rings. I think they were designed with Porsche in mind. But I think they will look good on the R.

I was going to get the OZ Racing Hyper HLT, but they are too expensive. Spending $3200+ CAD on a set of wheels sounds crazy to me. I also think OZ Racing on the Golf is played out. But the thing about wheels is that you should never cheap out on them because cheap ones tends to be poorly made and will bend/break much easier when you run over potholes and bumps.

I was contemplating between the Holeshot RSR with the Sector RSR. They have a slammed blue MK7 Golf GTI gallery with 19×8.5 Holeshot that looks pretty cool (link here; gives you an idea on the asphalt black finish). But I think the ten spoke split design looks too busy. The Sector with the five spoke split is cleaner and will show off my car’s big blue brakes better.

I will ceramic coat them before getting my mechanic to throw tires on in spring. I also might get new center wheel caps. While the priority is to fix the hail damage, I will likely be doing a few more cosmetic mods this year on the R. One of them will be from Badgeskins where I delete some blue accents off, particularly the front (only thing I want to keep blue are the brake calipers). I will reveal the other mods later. I’m trying to avoid tuning my car because of warranty.😅 But I will tune it eventually. It will likely be a Unitronic Stage 1+ tune on 93 octane. Where I live, most people drives the R for its practicality. Hence people just sees it as a small compact car. Very rarely will you run into a tuned out 600 hp+ R that is slaying super cars on the road. Stage 3 Rs are insanely fast and will get you in trouble. MRC Tuning built an 8R that does 0-100 in 3 seconds and runs a quarter mile in 10.5 (video here). Look up the type of cars that can make this quarter mile time and you will be surprised! (Ferrari Daytona SP3, Pagani Huayra, Porsche 911 GT2 RS, etc).

When I go for night drives, I often end up at supermarkets or gas stations to buy snacks. There were times where I walk to the car and enjoy unlocking it and watch the head lights turn on. Sometimes the night lighting is really good where I can see the ceramic coating give the white paint an extra zing while reflecting ambient street lights and contrast the tinted windows. Whenever I see this, I would just stand there and go like, “Omggg”😩😩😮‍💨. People who happens to be walking by also sometimes stops to look, especially if I got the rock star parking spot.🫡

Golf R? More like Golf Rizzzz. 😎

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“Have you raced anyone yet?”

Nope. But I’ve done a few flybys with random car dudes from a Jeep Trackhawk and a Mercedes CLS63 AMG (these cars are crazy fast), all the way to dads in Lexus RX350 and Honda CR-V. The 8R is the type of car where if you know, you know. Those who don’t know are usually in for a surprise. And those who knows will sometimes accelerate past me to see if I will reciprocate a flyby (it’s such a car guy thing to do lol). I usually will if there are no cops and clear traffic. Then we sometimes end up going on a short cruise until one of us has to make a turn. I also sometimes get 18 year old kids in Corollas trying to race me where I decline.

I actually don’t do much car guy shenanigans except for a few hard pulls here and there and take some fast corners when there are no traffic with good road conditions. I’m pretty careful because over confidence is what causes accidents and gets people killed. Other than this, the only car guy thing I do is say hi to other Golf R drivers on the road Lol. Sometimes it’s a 50 year old mom and I’m just like 🤙🤙🤙.

I was on my way to get some breakfast by myself the other day where I did a pull with an imported Japanese Suzuki Kei truck (was a right hand drive too). That thing was pretty loud and slow, but seemed super fun to drive. I eventually stopped next to it at a red light as the first cars. The driver floored it on green where I gave him a head start before I pulled ahead easily. I eased off the gas at the speed limit as he continued flooring it where he did a flyby past me. That thing was pretty sick. I followed it for awhile and it looked so out of place on Canadian streets, but it was so funny to watch a mini Japanese truck blast through traffic that is full of big trucks and SUVs. 😂

Unless you know about it, the Golf R is a real sleeper. It catches a lot of people off guard. People I give rides to who has never been in a fast car are often surprised. I’d say any car that can do 0-100km in less than 5 seconds will really tuck you in your seat when the driver floors it. The R puts power down really well and will hit 100km from a full stop in 4 seconds on ideal conditions (my best time was 3.9 with launch control). If you aren’t ready for it, a full send will smack the back of your head to the seat for extra giggles. But you get used to it after awhile.

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Inflation of the Canadian Dollar

There are lots of causes. I might be wrong, but I think it happens when you keep printing money while all that extra money does not stimulate the economy (productivity) to drive up the value of the dollar. As a result, the country suddenly has a lot of money and credit in the market that no one wants to trade (i.e. not enough productivity for the need for transactional exchange and demand of the dollar). So as more money gets printed, everything increases in price to reflect the abundance of all those extra money in the market. What was once a $5 item is now $8 for the exact same product. Hence we see the devaluation of the currency.

But I don’t think it’s as simple as this because of all other possible influences like supply and demand, shipping costs, and a whole range of other factors. Many countries spent a lot of money during COVID-19 which produced this problem today. It also likely has to do with bad monetary government policies and just plain old greed.

When things like this happen, people get mad and needs someone to blame. And it’s usually the politicians—even when there are things that are out of their control. But when they vote someone else into power, something else happens and the same thing repeats in a cycle and nothing gets done. 🤷‍♂️

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Critical Race Theory

Honest opinion: most critical race theories aren’t very interesting to me. Some aren’t even very good Lol. I think it can be dangerous to look at society through skin color and race. So the discipline is definitely not without limits—just like all others. Obviously racism exists and is a really big issue. There are statistics that backs this up, even if no statistics are 100% accurate (it also depends on how you interpret them). I don’t deny the idea of structural injustice. Nor do I deny the hegemony of Western cultural traditions and ideologies. These are real issues that are very complex. But I often think that people are trying to solve problems in the wrong places. You don’t cure cancer by cutting off the tumor. You cure it by fixing the original cause of it.

With all this said, I would say that there are some critical race theories that are very good. Fred Moten is the first to come to mind. A colleague during grad school recommended me his work who I ended up enjoy reading. But his works are quite difficult and are more suited for advanced cultural theory and philosophy readers. The one I read was called, In the Break: The Aesthetics of the Black Radical Tradition. That book was like African philosophy fusing with European philosophical ideas. It was very cool but really hard to follow. I think that was the point. Moten’s writings and ideas has a certain flow of random improvised musicality to it. It’s kind of like jazz music.

……So I guess it’s like free-style rap philosophy? 🤔🤔

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Eashel

Ever since my last post when I said she is always busy and doesn’t have time to talk to me, she randomly started talking to me lol. We talk quite a bit now whenever I see her sometimes. We once asked each other a bunch of questions where we got to know what we did on holidays and special occasions. She told me her birthday is “REALLLYYY special” because she likes to dress up and go out with her friends over the weekend. I laughed and was like, “I can see you doing that”. She seems like the type of girl who likes to wear fancy dresses and high heels for a night out with her girlfriends. She is really girly (nothing wrong with it). I can also tell by looking at her custom phone case. She even let me see it where I had her phone in my hand…..just not her number Lol.🥹 Then she asked to see my phone case and was like “See? Yours is plain and boring!”. She is so cute.😂

She also once sarcastically and unenthusiastically told me to give them 1 star customer service because it took them 15 min to make my snack. It didn’t even feel like 15 min because I was talking to her the entire time.🥹 I wish it took them 30 min. I would’ve given them 5 stars.😂

I got her a custom made My Melody peeker vinyl sticker. I told her I had a gift for her where she kept on giggling and asked me what it was. I told her to come find me at my table if she wanted her secret present. She agreed but never came.🥲 On her break, I saw her stand in line from a distance where she was looking at her phone. Then she tucked her hair behind her ear, paused, and turned to look at me where she slowly smiled at me. There was some tension in her eyes with an extra glimmer to them. Then everything froze in place where our stare was just long enough that I noticed she didn’t blink. It was quite an endearing moment. It reminded me of a look that Renee gave me once a long time ago…. oh no. Oh boy, lets not go there. Eashel is so beautiful.🥺

I later went to buy a snack and jokingly asked if she “didn’t want the sticker (?)” and accidentally gave away what the secret present was. She said I didn’t have to buy her anything. But since I already gave it away, I just gave it to her. She totally melted when she saw it and said it is very cute. She turned red when she thanked me where I thought to myself, “You are wayyyy cuter than the sticker”.🥺 But she was right that I didn’t have to get her anything. I just wanted to make her happy and see her smile.😊

I downplayed the whole thing and told her I randomly found the sticker online and thought she would like it. Even when I spent 3 weeks looking for something that I know she will really like. Funny thing is I also bought her some treats that was originally part of her sticker gift. The entire thing was packaged inside an envelope with a card. I kept it with me for a month and wasn’t sure if I want to give it to her because I’m shy. I eventually took the gift apart and ate the treat because I thought it might’ve been too much Lol. But since she really liked the sticker, I ended up giving her the treats as well.

So I prepared the original format of the gift but with only the treats. I wrote on a little card that said “To Eashel, From Booby” with a Badtz Maru sticker on the other side (it’s me lol). I casually told her the envelope is an overkill, even when it’s obvious I put a lot of thought into it. I think it would’ve been the perfect gift if I included the sticker. But she really liked the treats. They were green tea flavored mini KitKats imported from Japan + some Japanese gummy candy. I ended up giving her the entire bag of KitKats because she liked them. But I think she felt bad for accepting so much gifts from me. Then we spoke a little about Japan where she got super excited and told me she wants to go. I was like, “You would spend all your money at Hello Kitty Land”.😂

What is she like? She is short with long black hair and big green eyes (hazel green?). She is smart, sarcastic and quite pragmatic. She has a standoffish cool girl vibe to her. She also seems like the type of girl who breaks a lot of guy’s hearts.😓 But she is really sweet. She is also an angel.😇 She also talks a lot sometimes (it’s all good lol).

I eventually thought of asking her out. So I tested the water and tried to drop her a hint. I went up to get a refill and asked if she likes sushi where we went on talking about it. At the end I was casually like, “We should get sushi together sometime”. Then she agreed.😮 I was surprised and my heart skipped a beat.🥺 I admit I smiled to myself like an idiot for the rest of the day, but I knew there was a chance that she was just being friendly.

Some days later, she spoke to me and told me she went to karaoke with her friends and didn’t like singing. She ended up singing a Taylor Swift song even if she didn’t like her music.😂 Then she asked me if I ever had a mid life crisis (which I did) because she says she thinks she might have one soon. But I really hope she doesn’t go through one because it’s pretty rough. Then we also spoke about where we are from among other things. She is 23 years old and is much younger than I thought. I told her I was surprised because she sounds mature (other than her My Melody obsession lmao). She told me everyone says she looks younger than her age. Too bad I’m not shallow like that Lol. My assessment of her age wasn’t based on her looks, but on her character and what I know about her. Then she asked me what age I thought she was and I said, “25 or 26”. She also told me she doesn’t drink which surprised me. Good for her honestly.

I eventually asked for her number. She told me she has a boyfriend and said that he won’t like it if she gave her number to me. She did the right thing because it’s not the kind of drama I want in my life either lol. So I didn’t push it and told her it’s okay.🥲 Then she immediately changed the subject and started talking about coffee. But it already started to hurt and broke me a little at that point, so I just told her I should get back to work.

I must say that this one stung a lot because I actually have a lot of genuine feelings for her.☹️😔 I ended up leaving early to go mend my wound.😭 I just figured that, judging by our conversations, her body language, all her sneaky glances, and all the cute smiles she gave me, I actually thought I had a good shot.🥹

For the past year, she has been stealing glances and looking at me while I am focused on my work or when I am talking to other people. I caught her numerous times—a little too many times. I knew about it long ago. I just ignored her during the early phases because I wasn’t mentally ready for any possible relationships at the time. But I’m not going to make speculations on her intentions and motives behind all her sneaky glances and stares. All I will say is I am flattered that I caught her attention.😊 Maybe I still got it in me eh? 😂 The other day I read about a study from some dating and relationship experts talking about how I’m actually in my prime age range for dating due to many factors in life (more established, more money, more maturity, more wisdom, more life experiences, etc. which are all very true personally; it’s kind of like how Eashel asked me about mid life crisis). It was an interesting read/perspective.

I always guessed that she has a boyfriend (but was never certain of it), which was why I was a bit shocked she agreed to having sushi with me when I tested the water (maybe she didn’t want to hurt me). It was also the reason why I said she likely won’t give me her number in my last post. But I still gave it a shot because love without risk is an impossibility! I’m honestly just surprised she didn’t bring up her boyfriend in any of our conversations up until now. It’s almost like she didn’t want to talk about him. She should’ve mentioned him in our first lengthy conversation when I showed some interest in her.

But it’s okay because I have my answer now. I will keep my distance and won’t ask again—maybe unless she brings it up in the future and sends me the signal. But I’m not going to wait for something that may never happen.

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That is all for this post. 🙂
Until next time,
B.