Hello,
Goodbye.
🙃

* * *

How is my dad doing?

People have been asking this a lot. He is doing better now. He has to watch his diet, especially his sodium intake. Salt absorbs a lot of water which makes your heart work harder. He also did a genetic test on heart diseases which surprisingly came back negative. It’s good news for sure.

* * *

Jacques Derrida’s most underrated book

I already named a few before, but Learning to Live Finally: The Last Interview is another good book. It’s only 100 pages and very readable. It is a surprisingly good introduction to his work. It was Derrida’s last interview from 2004 that was published in Le Monde newspaper when he knew he was going to die from cancer. It is provocative and heartfelt where Derrida reflects on his life. I highly recommend it.

“But to learn to live, to learn it from oneself and by oneself, all alone, to teach oneself to live (“I would like to learn to live finally”), is that not impossible for a living being? Is it not what logic itself forbids? To live, by definition, is not something one learns. Not from oneself, it is not learned from life, taught by life. Only from the other and by death.”

* * *

Psychoanalysis and Homosexuality

I would say that psychoanalysis has a complex history with homosexuality along with a few controversial dimensions where, once you understand, is not as controversial as one might think. From an intellectual stand point, psychoanalytic schools has a strong stance against gender theories, the latter which came to existence in the 1980s—most well known by an American scholar named Judith Butler. Today, these ideas are found through much of the LGBTQ+ discourse (not always). But this doesn’t mean psychoanalytic positions don’t support their political causes. Not every Lacanian shares the same positions in this regard. So let me shed some light on this today.

Some of the debates that goes on in his area are quite fierce, provocative, and controversial. You can see this when Joan Copjec, a prominent Lacanian scholar, refers contemporary identity and gender politics as being a “fiction” in some of her interviews. One way we can understand this is that, since we are split subjects, who we think we are is not who we really are due to the result repression and passing through the Other’s discourse (i.e. language). Hence, as I mentioned last time in #19, our self-perceived identity, whatever it might be, is not who we really are. Yet, the identity of the split subject can only arise through this very “impossibility” of articulating their repression—or in this case, as the failure of articulating sex; which is another way of explaining Lacan’s famous line, “there is no sexual relationship”. The subject’s conscious identities and sexuality arises precisely as fiction; a symbolic construction and a stitching up of the wound of split subjectivity. It is the result from the split subject who gets castrated, censored, filtered, and repressed by the impositions of the super-ego/Other; where the unconscious subject remains “beingless” and alienated from the Other’s discourse.

Recall when I once said how the split subject gets split determines sexual difference. As I tried showing before, this split also produces their symptoms as such. Psychoanalysis attempts to make the split subject articulate the Real and dissolve it into the Symbolic. It is to bring out the analysand’s unconscious desires and thoughts into consciousness. And in some cases, it is to bring out why the subject is homosexual, for example; or why they keep doing X or Y, etc. which led them to analysis. This isn’t to say that the analysand should convert to becoming heterosexual after discovering the unconscious desire for their homosexuality (at times, it might even be the other way around!). Far from it. Rather, and as mentioned elsewhere, it is to help them discover that all the choices they made where they were “free to choose” were chosen for them through the Other’s tyrannical impositions.

Humans are not the masters of their own house. As such, no split subject are ever transparent with themselves. They are always “beingless” and the discovery of this being underneath their conscious words, who at times, screams and unconsciously says “no”, functions like a discovery of a truth. Analysis seeks to bring some of this transparency to the analysand’s consciousness and symbolic world (to dissolve the Real into the Symbolic; or to “touch the Real”). As mentioned in my writings, the goal of psychoanalysis is to produce a proper space for the analysand to desire. It is where they discover the underlying reason for their symptoms where they are given a choice that they are free to make; such as to remain who they are, make changes in their life, or choose something else, etc. This choice however, is always subject to castration through the Other’s discourse (because they are speaking subjects). This choice they make is like Lacan’s famous example of the robber who points a gun at you and says, “Your money or your life!”. The Other forces you to choose where you will lose something either way!

In psychoanalysis, human sexuality is tied to a concept known as “perversion” which has several dimensions to it. There is for example, perversion as part of neuroticism, and perversion as a separate clinical structure like neurosis and psychosis. Often times, people uses the word “pervert” as a derogatory term. In psychoanalysis, it is not an insult. Human sexuality is inherently perverse regardless of one’s sexual preferences. This is to say that human sexuality had never been “natural” as what Mother Nature would had granted. Rather, it had always been “perversive”; and that the entirety of human civilization revolves around a certain form of perversive neuroticism. From this perspective, it renders popular arguments like “homosexuality is not natural” some what obsolete—since no human sexuality is natural to begin with. You seriously think some straight guy who gets turned on by looking at some person’s feet is natural? Bruhhhhhhhh, I ain’t judging.

To show you how counter-intuitive this can be. Lacan once referred heterosexuality as a form of lesbianism because it involves the love for the Other sex (i.e. a woman, such as your mother Lol); and homosexuality as “hommesexualite” which is a play on the French word “Homme” as in “man”, implying man and the love for another man. While it is theoretically possible to change someone’s sexual preference, similar to Freud, Lacan pointed out how there is no reason to change it. Many analysts agrees that it is an unethical endeavor because there is nothing wrong with being gay. Human sexuality is the messy stitching up of their split subjectivity which produces their symbolic identities of who they are through the Other’s discourse (their symptom).

In 2023, there was an interview of Jacques-Alain Miller (the son in law of Jacques Lacan), where he spoke about the LGBTQ+ community and a recent book that features 5 real life cases of people going through transition and psychoanalysis at the same time; one of them who went through over 10 years of clinical analysis. The interview is hyperlinked here.

There is a well known story of someone who once approached Sigmund Freud and asked him to “cure” their son of his homosexuality in which Freud famously refused. He went on to point out how some of the most intelligent humans on Earth were gay and thinks it is an injustice to punish them for it. Thinking of this now, Freud lived wayyyy ahead of his time.

P.S. I currently have a post under development that talks about perversion along with a few posts that are classified. But they will be published in 2070 at this rate.😂

* * *

BBQ

I went over to a friend’s house for BBQ over the long weekend and he was like, “You bought a Golf R? That is not a very woke car” Lol. I think he was expecting me to buy an electric car.😂 The R isn’t as quick as performance EVs, but it is as fast as most EVs in similar price range. Most importantly, it is much lighter and doesn’t turn like an elephant.😎 Though don’t get me wrong, I think EVs are cool for what they are. They just lack a bit of character for me. Hybrid cars are much cooler imo.

Anyways, it was a great BBQ. My friends custom designed their own disc golf course around the yard (the host lives in a really big house with a huge backyard). It was a pretty well thought out course Lol. I also got a decent score for my first time (+2). Very fun. Then we had a long chill BBQ session outside with some good laughs.

* * *

Liberal Arts vs Humanities

I never call any disciplines within the humanities as “liberal arts” (i.e. philosophy, literature, theology, visual arts, etc.). I think the latter term has too much political undertone these days. Humanities, in my opinion, is for everyone.

I’m also a bit old school in my use of the term “humanities” and consider disciplines like social sciences, psychology, sociology, linguistics, and many others as part of it. The reason why these disciplines today are sometimes no longer (or not as much) considered as “humanities” is because it has mostly taken up the scientific method as part of its intellectual practices. Personally, I think it’s a position that limits these disciplines in different ways. Though I don’t think it’s wrong. It’s just that science is a method and a form of philosophy. And once you study philosophy, you will start to see its limits.

Science is largely based on human perception, logic, reason, causality, materialism, and experiences such as phenomena, consciousness, unconscious, language, and all sorts of ideas that are studied in philosophy and a few other disciplines. Some of these experiences are also impossible to explain or proved in any physical way which escapes most empirical practices. Though this isn’t to say that science is wrong or not useful. Philosophy can only reveal its epistemological limits (epistemology is the study of knowledge). How does a scientist prove or quantify free will, for example?

The psychoanalyst will likely say that free will does not exist (there is no subject, but only its possibility; for we are dominated by the Other’s discourse). It really brings up questions on what “freedom” means. This also reminds me of Sam Harris, a well known podcaster, philosopher, and neuroscientist who argues that free will does not exist. I enjoy listening to him talk. I think he is a brilliant guy.

* * *

On Gossip

How do I handle other people’s gossips about me? I don’t care that much. It’s not my mouth and not something I can control. It usually doesn’t affect how I treat them because again, zero shits given. People can believe what they want to believe in. I mind my own business. But if people are dumb enough to believe that some random Joe’s opinion of me is who I am without ever getting to know me, it will usually tell me more about who they are than what the gossip says about me.🤷‍♂️ I think most of the time, it will only be as awkward as the other person makes it.

* * *

The life of being a finishing carpenter

The good thing about the job is there are not much office or people politics. You just work your ass off for 8-12 hours a day and go home. You want to do good work where you don’t need to go back to fix your mistakes. Basically, if you are good and know the right people, then you will be busy; especially when there are more bad trades than there are good ones nowadays. I think the worst part is the long hours, dust, mental and body stress. I also have to do service work every once awhile. I don’t like dealing with homeowners Lol. Some are okay while others are straight up Karens.

I’ve been a subcontract finisher for a few years. But I’ve worked on and off with my dad ever since I was young. He taught me everything I know. He is what trade unions might refer as a “master carpenter”, but without all the certificates Lol (my dad was a contractor in Hong Kong who won big construction project bids to build universities, public libraries, offices, and concert halls). I thought of trying to get into unions, but they are difficult. Like many jobs, they pay well once you gain experience. But subcontract also pays well if you go ham and get enough work. Many trim carpenters I met makes 100k+ annual. Heck, I once knew a finisher who slept on the job site that made 16k a month. But at what cost? 💀 Nowadays, most contractors cares more about how fast you can get a job done than actually being good. This is why so many new residential homes are built so poorly unless you luck out with good trades. Many builders are pushing really hard to build as much as possible.

People sometimes asks me about this. But I think finishing is only good if you can deal with all the issues in the industry; or if you can’t stand sitting in the office all day. You will also destroy your body over time—especially your knees and feet. To save my knees, I sometimes don’t even kneel, I just sit down like a weirdo LOL. But at least you work indoors with heat and insulation during winter. I’ve seen framing carpenters and siding guys work in -30C weather, it’s nuts. As a sub, you need to find a contractor(s) who gives you enough work. Your goal is to achieve income stability. And in order to do so, you need to be good, efficient, reliable, consistent, and easy to work with. You will be working on days that you might not want to work, such as public holidays or when you are sick. But you will also not have to work on days where many people wish they had off.

Sometimes, you will hear people complain about low hourly wages and stagnant wage increases in construction. From personal experience, this is true and a really big problem, especially as living costs and home prices continues to rise. But this is also true for many industries these days. There is definitely decent money in construction if you know how to make them. Though it’s not easy money. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Do I like this type of work? Not really LOL. There is not enough intellectual stimulation for me—not many jobs do. I’m only doing it to pass on the father’s law! Duh (a psychoanalytic reference).😂 Though it gets better once you get used to it and know what you’re doing. But I think many people agrees it’s not a very “me” type of work. That’s okay, because work was never meant to be fun or “me” centric. Unfortunately, I’m not in a good position to change jobs right now. Maybe in a few years. But even if I was, I’m not sure what I would do. I might stay in the same industry….ZzzZzZ. Or do a complete industry change.

Or maybe I should pursue my PhD. But being a PhD student doesn’t pay very well. And if I do, I have some insights on what my doctoral thesis could be about. Something very Bobby; something very human of course—a passion project! It has only been 4 years since I completed my masters. Getting away from academia, growing older, and gaining maturity and life experience really lends perspective.🧓

* * *

My MA Supervisor…

is teaching an upper level undergrad course this fall on Freud, Lacan and Zizek. I think it will be a hit. And knowing him, his syllabus will be full of difficult Lacanian texts. But I think if he is going to teach Zizek and Lacan, he should teach some Hegel as well. Maybe just one chapter of Phenomenology of Spirit as primer (lmfaooo I’m trolling, that book is ridiculously hard).🤭 Zizek’s intellectual and political positions are unorthodoxical and provocative due to his Hegelian dialectical approach. Lacan’s seminars are also full of Hegelian allusions because he studied Hegel under a Russian philosopher named Alexandre Kojeve in France.

Maybe I should visit him. He is a really funny dude who is kind of a meme God. I miss him. He used to read my blog as well. I remember he once told me he really likes the way I explain things, especially my writings on psychoanalysis. He must be proud of what I have become…

….not. 😂

* * *

My Golf R turned into a golf ball from hailstorm

I’m so salty lol. I don’t even want to talk about it. My side mirror is cracked with a ton of hail damage on the roof panel and hood. I also have a lot of damage on one side of my A, B, and C pillars in addition to passenger side doors. I filed for insurance and booked a time to get an estimate. I think I might get my windshield replaced while I’m at it (I would request an OEM windshield due to HUD display). My car also took a nasty rock chip on the bumper. I guess battle scars only gives it character.🥲

Speaking of which, I will be getting new spring/summer wheels next year. But I won’t be getting expensive ones. It’s not worth it and I can’t recklessly spend money like that Lol. I currently have the 19″x8.5″ Konig Oversteer in gloss black in sight. But I will probably change my mind later because I also like the Rotiform FLG and a few from Enkei and SuperSpeed. I think black wheels will make my blue brake calipers pop out. They will also match my tinted windows. The Oversteer are also not much heavier than my current stock 19″x8″ VW Estoril which will become my winter wheel.

I’m also considering downsizing to 18″ for spring/summer because they are lighter. It offers better performance, ride quality and lesser chance of damaging them over curbs and potholes at the expense of looks. But if I downsize, I would need to spend money on a new set of summer tires which I don’t want to. I can only keep the stock tires if I stick with 19″ wheels. They will fit the Oversteers despite being half inch wider with a lower offset. They will sit 14.4mm further out than my current setup (flush to the fenders), giving the car a more aggressive stance.

The only real concern is tire rubbing if I decide to get new suspensions and lower the car. I’m also paranoid driving 19″ wheels to drive thrus because they tend to have bad curb placements that catch you off guard (hence I usually go inside to order Lol). Parking along curbs can also be tricky at times. But it is safer to park next to curbs than next to other cars that might ding your door. I honestly think 18″ wheels will look better with more tire on the sidewall. I’ve been looking around in used market to see if I can snag a deal on nice wheel/tire combos Lol. But I will probably buy new ones.

My next upgrade after my new wheels will likely be suspension and aero.

* * *

My Melody Girl

I think I have a crush on her.🥺 I’ve been reluctant to admit it because there are things that are holding me back. Do you know what I noticed when I first saw her last year? It was her eyes. They remind me of someone (take a guess and you would be right). Do you know what my second thought of her was? “She is short and reminds me of my mom” LOL. I’m sure Freud has a lot to say about this. She actually reminds me of a few people. It took me awhile to figure some of it out. Maybe I’ll talk about it next time.

I actually never got her name despite commenting on her My Melody name tag Lol. So I just found out the other day. Her name is Eashel. That’s a really cute name.🥺 According to some website, her name means, “Flower of paradise”, and “a girl with a good brain who is loyal”.🤔

She also jokingly asked for my name that she already knew. She said she calls me by something else but didn’t want to say it. Then I was like, “You call me Booby?”.😂 She giggled and was like, “Yes hahaha, but I might get written up if I call you that!”. Then I was like “Nah, I won’t do that to you. Some of my friends calls me Booby”. And besides, no one can write her up if I just change my name to Booby on the Starbucks app. 🤔 They will even have to say “Booby!” really loud after they make my drink.😏

I sometimes go up to buy something just to talk to her and see what she is like. I also tease her for fun sometimes Lol. We had a small chat once when I was waiting for food and she was making 34589735987 drinks per minute. She’s a substitute teacher who doesn’t like teaching elementary school. 😂 I was surprised when she told me she was a teacher. She was like, “I don’t look like a teacher huh?”. I think she thought I was making fun of her. But I wasn’t. She told me she wants to get into junior high to teach humanities. So I asked her what she studied in school (I figured it was likely in humanities). Then she told me she majored in sociology.😯 I think Ms. Eashel would make a great teacher!

Teaching is a respectable profession (every profession is respectable). It also makes decent money over here if you can land a full time position, which is pretty hard. Experienced teachers makes 100k CAD annually. Unfortunately, this level of income has been devalued by inflation over the years. But it’s still a livable wage regardless. Not to mention that teaching is a demanding job that requires long hours outside of actual teaching with all the lesson planning, grading, emails, meetings, dealing with parents, etc. The K-12 system has suffered a lot from funding issues over the last decade. And the government realizes that decreasing the number of teachers will only create political issues. So instead of cutting teachers, they structurally cut the support for teachers which is just as bad (less assistants, less schools, etc.). As a result, teachers ends up doing a ton of extra work with more students than they can handle which means they are being underpaid. I think this is a big problem that many industries face nowadays for varying reasons.

I know this because I was going to go into K-12 teaching some years ago. But due to similar reasons that she mentioned, I already knew I won’t be able to handle all the kids. I also enjoy teaching radical topics more; and like to, as Socrates might say, “corrupt youth”.😈 I’d be more suited to be a university professor than a K-12 teacher. But it’s nearly impossible to get into due to how competitive it is. Not to mention you also see a similar phenomenon with budget cuts in post-secondary institutions which led to big increases in tuition. I’d be better off being a cult leader.🤭

* * *

So what happened to Renee?

There are lots of things that I don’t say about her on here. It’s mostly due to privacy. It’s also because I want her to be happy. I don’t want to say anything that might hurt her in case she reads this. Other times, I don’t want to jump to conclusions with information I don’t have. Our minds can trick us into believing something that is completely untrue. In fact, this had been the root of our problem: no communication, only assumptions.

I have no idea how she is doing or what she is up to these days. But I hope she is doing well. And in case she ever reads this and wants to hear it from me. I want her to know that I’m not mad at her. I never was. I forgive her just as I forgive myself.

So what will become of us? No clue. There is nothing I can do. I know the chances of running into her are very slim. And even if I do, she might not want to talk to me anyway. Coming to think about it, there are many things that I will never get any answers to, such as why she did some of the things she did. It’s something that I’ve come to accept over time.

Y’all must think I’m crazy for spending half a decade on someone who never shows up. If I get to relive my life up till now while knowing exactly what will happen, would I do it all over again?

Yes…
Yes, I would.💘

*

Love may always breach its oath;
Love’s spell in this cave does lull
The drunken, startled soul
Into forgetting it pledged its troth.

*

Yesterday I loved,
Today I suffer,
Tomorrow I die.
Yet fain would I think
Today and tomorrow,
Of yesterday.